


Tired

by ghee (sabakunoghee)



Series: Arthur Fleck; the clown [3]
Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 03:50:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21029789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabakunoghee/pseuds/ghee
Summary: For finally he didn’t feel tired anymore.





	Tired

**Author's Note:**

> Un-betaed. Another character study based on this scene. Picture from a random search on google.

* * *

Tears were just tears if they contained zero emotions.

A smile wasn’t a smile if the person felt nothing while doing it.

Arthur Fleck was painting his face with blue and red, on the top of the white, thick-chalky substance. The eye part was half-done. He quietly placed the small brush beside the ugly make-up box and stared at his own reflection. A pair of lonely, hollow eyes looked back at him. Stabbed his chest with despair and agony. He tilted his head, trying to recall how many timed had he contemplated his own persona – he always wanted to be a man who could bring a smile on everyone’s face. Yet, he wasn’t able to do that properly. He tried as he failed. He forced himself to, as his index fingers pulled the tip of his mouth, made a crescent-like shape using his crimson-tinted lips. He made an awkward curve, but _not_ a smile.

(And when a bead of familiar fluid dripped and dropped, he _wasn't_ crying.)

He had always known that he was never healthy and couldn’t stop asking – _why me?_ And every time he tried to recollect his childhood memories, he found nothing but complete darkness. His beloved mother never had a memento from his younger days. He was isolated as long as he could remember.

Arthur pulled out his fingers and gazed blankly at his ruined clown make-up, left him with a trace down from the bottom of his eyes straight to his chin. He was lost, at that moment, as he experienced too many emotions at once and it overwhelmed him to the point he couldn’t determine what he currently felt. A massive rainstorm was happening inside his head and a pinch of his remained sanity struggled to survive. Arthur couldn’t move his muscle at all; he couldn’t even blink even though his eyelids were destroyed by the burning sensation. Tears streamed down his decorated face. His fingers frantically tapped the wooden table. Steps and stomps came right after. Followed up by scream and shouts.

He was laughing in anguish – he really wanted to explain how _painful _it felt for him to laugh. It set his damn throat on _fire_. His lungs could collapse at any time and his stomach was hurting really, really bad.

To say that he was ‘exhausted’ would be a plain insult.

“I’m going to the kids’ hospital,” those were Arthur’s last words as he stepped outside the Haha’s. The agency would never know that the scrawny man in the colorful clown attire would never come back.

Because when he woke up, he had decided that this would be his very last day. He wore his best outfit and he cheered up the sick little patients with all of his heart. He sang them a happy song, he presented simple tap-dance, he performed some easy tricks – he did _everything_ to make them forget about their illness. Arthur had always wished for his death to make a little bit more sense than his life, after all.

For finally he didn’t feel tired anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> For Sulli. May you rest in peace.


End file.
